Breathe

So today started well enough. The girls woke up at their usual 6 am and my husband got ready for work and headed out. I got the girls changed and in their toys and made my cup of coffee and bowl of cereal. Same as any other week day...except that's where normality stopped lol. Usually the girls will play for a little while, snack on a bottle and go down for a nap. They started fussing so I sat in the rocking chair with a pillow on my lap and a baby on each side. I've found it's the only way I can hold/feed/rock them at the same time. They ate a little more of their bottles, played a bit and Abbie took her binky for a while. Although they were super fussy, they would not nap. I fought and fought but eventually gave up and put them back in their toys. After about 10 minutes they were both fussing again so I figured I'd put them on tummy time and see if that helped. My son got down and started playing with them and that gave me a few minutes to get dressed and start a load of laundry.

 

Then the fussing started yet AGAIN. I tried once again to put them down for a nap. Only one actually crashed and I put her in her crib, trying to cuddle the other one and get her to go down. I was super tired and hoping I'd get a 10 to 30 minutes nap in the chair if I was lucky. Yea no such luck. Lilly woke up in her crib after her 5 minute cat-nap, which is her usual M.O and drives me NUTS. Abbie refused to go down at all and so they were both super tired and super fussy. I fought and fought all day long to get them to go down or at least entertain themselves so I could get something done. My son was being super whiney on top of all this and I about pulled my hair out. Each baby went down for maybe 10 minutes apiece at separate times but they never did take a really good nap. I didn't get any sleep and so ended up pouring a second cup of coffee, which I usually never do on a regular day.

 

So by three in the afternoon I was so stressed I wanted to scream. Luckily I had dinner in the crock pot so I didn't have to face that and I was hoping my husband would pull in from work in another two hours. It's the highlight of my day. My sister-in-law came over and helped me keep them happy and let me vent. She's so good about that, I love her to death. Abbie actually crashed in her arms and we were able to lay her in her crib. Lilly fought so hard that she ended up just crying uncontrollably and nothing I did made her happy. I ended up putting her in her crib and shutting the door. I hate doing that, it makes me feel like a horrible parent. I listened to her scream and scream until she ended up choking and making herself sick. I picked her up and brought her back to the rocking chair, cuddling her and talking her down. She was doing the little hiccup sob that breaks my heart and alternating between telling me in her baby jibber how upset she was and screaming while tears poured down her face. Eventually she calmed down enough to take a bottle and gradually fell asleep. That lasted another 10 minutes and then she was wide awake and ready to go. Meanwhile Abbie woke up and was super fussy, having not gotten a long enough nap. What is wrong with my girls?? I rocked Abbie back to sleep (took forever, she was having a really hard time) and played with Lilly for a while. Abbie woke up after ANOTHER 10 minutes and they were both mean.

 

Giving up, I put them both in their seats and fed them their dinner of cereal mixed with sweet potatoes. Abbie did ok but didn't eat nearly as much as she usually does and Lilly ate well but started fussing after a few bites and ended up screaming again. I got them both cleaned up and in jammies and made their night bottles so I'd have everything ready for 8 o'clock when they usually crash. We had company show up around 7 and both girls stayed on my lap in the rocking chair, refusing to let me move either one. At this point my husband still wasn't home so I was flying solo. Abbie refused to wait until 8 and ended up eating her night bottle at 7. She tried to crash on me but after burping her she woke up until 8. Lilly lasted until about 7:30 and then she crashed, which is early for both girls and she didn't even get an oz down. Meaning that in another three hours they'll both be up for bottles rather then waiting their customary five hours....sigh. Tonight is going to be super long. I expect to end up feeding them at least twice but more like three times before they wake up at 6. And I'm already wrecked.

 

Anyway, long story short (yea right) I noticed at dinner that I was super shaky and stressed. I took my celexa and ate a quick dinner while feeding them, hoping that the medication would calm me down. By the time they were in pajamas I was in tears and wanted to call my husband and scream at him for not being home. Which is totally unfair to him. He's at work trying to support us and I'm going to call and cuss him out? But when you're in the middle of this crap you don't think rationally. I needed an outlet and unfortunately he ends up being it most times. By the time he got home I wanted to cry, scream, give up, curl into a ball and die all at the same time. My head is still spinning and even as I'm typing this I'm super dizzy. My insides are jelly and I can feel myself coming down from the panic attack. A horrible feeling. I get overwhelmed and can't seem to function! Today was definitely a bad day and I know if I take an Ativan I'll be even more tired tomorrow. What if they don't nap again tomorrow? How will I manage? If this were a rollercoaster ride I would have jumped off a long time ago...and how weak does that make me? So many mothers (possibly even those reading this) go through so much more then me and have less of a support group and yet here I am complaining. It is the nature of the beast and I don't know how to change it. Hopefully tomorrows post will be more uplifting and I'm sorry if I've brought anyone else down. Hang in there!